Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
