she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize