We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
