Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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