Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
