Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
