So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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