Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
