I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
