I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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