just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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