you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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