I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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