Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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