At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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