I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
