as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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