I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
