My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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