he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
