I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
