the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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