i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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