Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He felt like a one man threesome
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
