she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
