I looked at my own cervix.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
