I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
