I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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