Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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