he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
