So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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