hotel room ftw
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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