Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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