I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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