I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
