my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
