So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
