So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We need to get me chipped asap
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
