we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
