What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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