I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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