I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize