I think i peed on brittanys purse
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
