If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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