Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
