i already hear my dad disowning me
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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