You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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