I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
