What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
