I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
