apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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