After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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